Category: Newsletter

For awhile now, I’ve been trying to think in terms of metric. As an example I am 1.85 meters tall and weigh about 80 kilograms. Of course thinking in terms of metric can some times seem a little odd. As an example I was thinking the other day about greedy people.

If you give them 2.54 centimeters, they’ll take 1.60934 kilometers.

I went to a sea food market the other day and found them to be greedy…

After all, everything they do is sell fish.

Maybe I’m just not keeping up with the times. I remember when air was free at the gas stations, and now you have to pay for it. You know why?

Inflation.

Continue reading Fight Corporate Greed!

Use an internal combustion engine.

So on my way into work today I found myself pondering, ‘What do you call a dinosaur car accident?’

A tyrannosaurus wreck!

So I’ve decided to go really old school this week and tell dinosaur jokes.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. “I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

Continue reading How do you turn a dinosaur into a horse?

So our up coming movie is about running, but I know I’ve been miserable the past couple of days with a cold exacerbated by allergies which means my nose has also been running!

When I first met Shannon, and even after we were married, I ran a lot. Once, as a farce, I asked Shannon, “What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”.

Shannon tactfully responded, “What I love most about you, is your running sense of humor.”

Did you hear about the marathon runner who ran for three hours but only moved two feet?

He only had two feet!

I was recently considering getting back into running, so I checked out a gym that had some mediocre new running machines. I thought they were pretty ‘run of the mill’.

Continue reading Does this count as a running joke?

…it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

The above picture is actually of the Boulevard of the Allies back in 1930. I think those same cars are still stuck in traffic there!

We have lot’s coming up in the next few days including a LEGO contest, a raffle drawing, and a Labor Day cookout!

Of course Labor Day reminds me of an old joke about someone that struggled to find how they should spend their days laboring. The following is their first person report:

As a young man

• My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.
• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
• After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.
• I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.
• I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.
• I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

Continue reading If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end…

After an email honoring cats two weeks ago, a lot of pressure was placed on me to talk about dogs this week. Having owned a couple of dogs throughout my life, I decided this task shouldn’t be too ruff.

Growing up I got a dog that was missing a leg from an animal shelter. I have occasionally wondered, ‘where do you find a dog with no legs?’

Then, I had an epiphany. It would be wherever you left him.

Unimaginatively, I called my three legged dog Three. So what would you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, he won’t come to you anyway.

I always assumed that dogs had to be bad dancers because most of them had two left feet. Then, I saw this video:

Continue reading Clearly, this email has gone to the dogs.

Our Fourth Annual Craft Show is this Saturday (8/19/22) from 9AM – 2PM along with the beginning of our raffle including a chance to win tickets for the Steelers and Browns game!

Of course, organizing this craft show reminds me of the time I had the really unusual opportunity to organize Dwayne Johnson’s craft room. Unfortunately, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool. That’s right, I lost the Rock’s paper scissors. Hopefully I will still be able to find my scissors when this craft show is done.

Continue reading Craft Show and Raffle

I know that most of you will be surprised to learn about this, but August 8th is International Cat Day! Bev has been planning long and hard for this holiday, so be sure to come in and help her celebrate.

Of course, this does remind me of a a story that Bev once shared with me. A Labrador, a Doberman, and cat all die and appear before God on his thrown. God looks to the Labrador and asks, “Why should I let you into heaven?”

“I was very obedient to my owner, looked after and played with his children, and I was always told that I was a good dog.”

God responds, “Very well, you may enter heaven.” Then God turns towards the Doberman, “why should I let you into heaven.”

The Doberman said, “I always listened to my owner, and I protected the whole family. I was also always told that I was a good dog.”

God responds, “Very well, you may enter heaven.” Then God turns towards the cat…

Continue reading International Cat Day!

He was a nice jester.

With that absolutely terrible dad joke I want to segue into letting you know that we are really excited to have a matching grant for our up-coming raffle! Every Summer we have a raffle to raise money for our patient care fund. This is always a big event for us as lots of individuals and businesses donate baskets specifically to help our patient care fund and this is the first time we’ve ever received a matching grant for it! Please be sure to come in and check out our raffle when it launches on August 19th during our Fourth Annual Craft Show and come in for the drawing on Labor Day.

Of course, if I start off with a joke about clowns I need to share some of my observations about clowns; after all, my Dad was a clown. I wanted to follow in his foot steps, but he had big shoes to fill!

Continue reading Why did the clown donate to the non-profit?

So We’ve been enjoying our new 3D printer at Lost and Found. The other day a young kid came in and was really scrutinizing what it was doing. The following conversation took place:

Kid: What’s it doing?

Me: It’s printing a 3D object. More specifically, It’s printing a birdhouse.

Kid: ???

I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil.

Me: If I draw a straight line across across this sheet all it has is length or 1D. If I write some words and draw a stick figure that requires 2D and is basically what most printers do. This printer can print with length, width, and height creating a physical object. That makes it 3D.

Kid: Wow! So what’s a 4D printer?

Me: Just give it time.

I said this last line with a smile while the kid just nodded sagely not realizing he had walked right into one of my dumb jokes.

Continue reading What’s a 4D printer?

Because freedom rings.

Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up!

If you recall, I had a whole series of jokes about snowmen back in December and it made me wonder, “What do you call a snowman on the Fourth of July?”
A puddle.

So as Shannon and I just finished celebrating our Interdependence Day as June 28th marked our 16th wedding anniversary. We now need to switch gears as we rapidly prepare for Independence Day!

Continue reading How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?